Meatheads

After sitting in a hotel room in the suburbs of Chicago for the greater part of a month, i’ve grown a bit tired of working out in the small, basically useless, room they call a gym. Although there are exercise limitations in this hotel, they do offer a free day pass to a local fitness center down the street; however, as you and I know, nothing is ever free. In a previous experience with the same fitness center I went down there to get me day pass only to be charged five dollars. Upon asking the manager here at the hotel I was informed that it’s a five dollar fee for a week. So today I prepared myself for some more typical gym sales person bullshit and found out that I can get a weeks pass for twelve dollars after arguing my way down from twenty five. I can’t seem to understand why everyone that works at a gym is usually a shady manipulative pice of shit douche bag trying to swindle everyone they can out of every penny they can.
To say the gym staff is the worst part about going to a gym would be a understatement. While these assholes make for a horrible initial experience...the real reason I hate going to gyms in the states are the multiple steroid pumping muscle heads walking around the gym grunting and throwing weights like an oversized toddler at pre-school after they spilled their apple juice. While I’m assuming they are pissed off, mainly due to the size of their ever shrinking testicles, grunting and throwing weights around isn’t going to change that. It’s also funny that most of these roid pimps shave their heads to hide the fact that they’re prematurely balding. But seriously guys, throwing weights down and walking away in a furry while giving the death stare at the equipment isn’t going to bring back your lost glory days of a starting linebacker on your junior varsity high school football team. Perhaps the anger is from visualizing your girlfriend laughing at you every time you take your clothes off, or maybe it’s because you can’t think of new excuses to tell her when you can’t get an erection. Also, just in case you didn’t know, wearing a fanny pack with a walkman or portable CD player in it hasn’t been cool since Clinton was in office. Again, I’m going to go out on a limb and just assume that the fact that you’re pumping your ass full of roids and supplements, and only read muscle magazines, you have yet to realize that they make things called MP3 players that can literally carry thousands of songs and are the size of your left testicle. And, what the fuck is the deal with carrying around a gallon of water? The gym is not a desert or a survival situation...there is no reason to carry around that much water. There are things called water fountains you know...you’re not working out in a back alley gym in Fallujah.
Also, so as not to be sexists I’m going to include the hard-core weightlifting females as well. Ladies...and I’m using ladies loosely. Once you’re lifting weights more often than you do cardio and you’re benching more than your body weight you can call your self a muscle head as well. You may also want to think twice about using supplements that boost your testosterone. Contrary to your thoughts, normal guys don’t find women attractive that have huge muscles, a square and masculine jaw line, and they absolutely hate it when your voice starts to drop. If you actually think that the reason men don’t ask you out is because they’re intimidated by you...you are sadly mistaken. They don’t ask you out, because they think that you might actually be a dude, and that’s not the type of surprise they want the evening to end on.
Finally, if you want to stop being a meathead, stop spending one entire day dedicated to triceps and stop spending one hour on the flat bench just to do four sets. Next thing. Stop Grunting. Stop throwing weights around. Stop walking around with a pissed off look on your face. Stop taking steroids and testosterone boosters. Stop spending four days a week in the tanning beds when it’s January and you live in the north...you just look like an illegal immigrant at that point. Stop planning your week around your workouts, and start being a productive member of society..just like I am, by telling you how to better yourselves. You’re welcome........douche bags.