Chicago Public Transportation

I’m not sure how many people who will read this brief, yet informative post. But, as a self-declared travel expert, and an all-around great person to know, you will find this info to your benefit, especially if you’re traveling through the Chicago area anytime in the winter or colder months (ie. November - April), and utilizing the public transportation system. First of all, most of the city politicians are not only corrupt, but they’re stupid as well. Anyone who thinks that the public transportation system in Chicago is anything that even remotely resembles efficient is someone who thinks Glen Beck ISN’T a retarded troll. More politicians and public officials encourage people to take public transportation every year. Why? Do they want us to be late for work every day, or get gang raped by some “gangsta thugs” from the South Side? No, they just want more public funds to get pumped into the system that will, in no way, support public transportation, but somehow, get funneled into useless projects that will somehow benefit the corrupt politicians. Not only is the public transportation as inefficient as most airlines, or the public school system, but it’s also as dangerous as being gay in Texas.


First off, as stated before, traveling the public transportation system in the colder months, in Chicago, subjects anyone to the shitty weather that they’ll have to endure. Also, as stated before, since the trains and busses are so completely inefficient, thus, never on time, you could be stuck standing outside or on an elevated train platform for some significant time shivering like Charlie Sheen in rehab.


I’m going to go ahead and admit that I've never taken public transportation in any other U.S. city besides San Diego so my comparison to other U.S cities renders this post irrelevant. However, I have taken public transportation in 10 foreign countries and I will attest to Chicago being the fucking worst out of all of them. And this comes from the City that wanted to host the 2016 Olympic Games, but somehow, and I can only guess, the absolute atrocity that this city calls public transportation somehow played into the decision...well, that and the fact that everyone HATES Americans. But, Yeah, 10 foreign countries in which the public transportation system is noticeably better...and 7 of the 10 were in Asia. 5 of the 7 asian countries blow the Chicago system out of the water.


OH...so you want examples. If you may or may not know, many of the elevated (L) train platforms are cold in winter, so one would think that they’d put up shelter. Chicago, is, after-all, a really cold ass place to live in the winter. But, for some reason the City of Chicago will place overhead heaters above the 3 or 4 wind blocking benches on each platform, but not all; however, only one of those fucking heaters will actually work. So, when you arrive on a platform, you can see everyone huddled around one single wind blocking bench underneath the sole operating heating element looking like day old cafeteria corn dog. The extra kick in the nuts is knowing that the trains won’t run on time so you will see three trains go by in the other direction before a train going your way will run by. WHY? Nobody knows...Chicago is too poor to put up digital time schedulers like developing countries do.


AND, not only do the trains run off schedule, but in the winter time, they’re filled with homeless people sleeping all day and night on the train, just riding back and forth from one end to the other, smelling like urine and cat feces. This problem could also be solved by simply looking at how other countries run their train system...but NOOO, wouldn’t want to do that would we? Next, as most people try to avoid the South Side of Chicago, which is defined as absolutely nothing south of the Chinatown/Cermack stop and nothing west of there, I am afraid of a group of “thugs” on a single train car. There aren’t cameras on the train, hell, if they are, they probably don’t work anyways. So, when I find myself and my wife on a train with a group of teenage south-side “thugs” giving everyone the shit eye when they get on and begin talking some form of language only translatable by someone who went to Morehouse, Emory, or Spelman in Atlanta, GA. I get a little fucking scared. (If, by chance, you think this is Racists, then lighten up. A little insensitive and unwarranted to some good colleges, I agree, but honest nonetheless). All I’m saying is that I’ve never felt threatened in any other city’s public transportation systems besides Chicago’s...hell, I’ve ridden with the dirtiest of Euro Trash trains in Italy and didn’t feel this threatened. BUT, hey, we’re about to go to Europe for a few months, so I’m sure I’ll get mugged for being an American, and when we get back to Chicago, I’ll get shot for being racists or “insensitive.”


The Busses...WOW, these things are even more useless. The city of Chicago actually publishes schedules for these rolling pieces of shit. Why? Only to appease the angry white folk who like to complain, because, we all know, the busses just go and come when they fucking feel like it. My wife and I used to live downtown, literally, across the street from a bus stop and two blocks from the red-line, and I still hated public transportation. The bus across the street had printed schedules, not only on paper, but on the sign. It’s as frustrating as trying to translate an NBA player at a press conference. It is what it is, after-all. I’ve literally seen three of the same busses come one after another, I just waited to get on the third one...because I could. Also, I’ve walked outside at the appropriate scheduled time to see the bus pulling off 5 minutes early, only to wait another 30 minutes for the next bus, which was supposed to show up every 15 minutes.


So, if you find yourself in Chicago, and you’re taking public transportation, don’t be surprised when the train, or bus, that you happen to be on breaks down and you have to get off and either wait for another train or bus, or hike to wherever you want hoping not to get shot because you went too far south or west. The other option is to wait for a taxi so you can pay $40 to go 5 blocks and get some sort of political history lesson from Abu the head bobbling Indian taxi driver. (That actually happened to me)


P.S. The Suburbs Suck...but not as bad as the entire state of New Jersey or Ohio!

Meatheads

After sitting in a hotel room in the suburbs of Chicago for the greater part of a month, i’ve grown a bit tired of working out in the small, basically useless, room they call a gym. Although there are exercise limitations in this hotel, they do offer a free day pass to a local fitness center down the street; however, as you and I know, nothing is ever free. In a previous experience with the same fitness center I went down there to get me day pass only to be charged five dollars. Upon asking the manager here at the hotel I was informed that it’s a five dollar fee for a week. So today I prepared myself for some more typical gym sales person bullshit and found out that I can get a weeks pass for twelve dollars after arguing my way down from twenty five. I can’t seem to understand why everyone that works at a gym is usually a shady manipulative pice of shit douche bag trying to swindle everyone they can out of every penny they can.
To say the gym staff is the worst part about going to a gym would be a understatement. While these assholes make for a horrible initial experience...the real reason I hate going to gyms in the states are the multiple steroid pumping muscle heads walking around the gym grunting and throwing weights like an oversized toddler at pre-school after they spilled their apple juice. While I’m assuming they are pissed off, mainly due to the size of their ever shrinking testicles, grunting and throwing weights around isn’t going to change that. It’s also funny that most of these roid pimps shave their heads to hide the fact that they’re prematurely balding. But seriously guys, throwing weights down and walking away in a furry while giving the death stare at the equipment isn’t going to bring back your lost glory days of a starting linebacker on your junior varsity high school football team. Perhaps the anger is from visualizing your girlfriend laughing at you every time you take your clothes off, or maybe it’s because you can’t think of new excuses to tell her when you can’t get an erection. Also, just in case you didn’t know, wearing a fanny pack with a walkman or portable CD player in it hasn’t been cool since Clinton was in office. Again, I’m going to go out on a limb and just assume that the fact that you’re pumping your ass full of roids and supplements, and only read muscle magazines, you have yet to realize that they make things called MP3 players that can literally carry thousands of songs and are the size of your left testicle. And, what the fuck is the deal with carrying around a gallon of water? The gym is not a desert or a survival situation...there is no reason to carry around that much water. There are things called water fountains you know...you’re not working out in a back alley gym in Fallujah.
Also, so as not to be sexists I’m going to include the hard-core weightlifting females as well. Ladies...and I’m using ladies loosely. Once you’re lifting weights more often than you do cardio and you’re benching more than your body weight you can call your self a muscle head as well. You may also want to think twice about using supplements that boost your testosterone. Contrary to your thoughts, normal guys don’t find women attractive that have huge muscles, a square and masculine jaw line, and they absolutely hate it when your voice starts to drop. If you actually think that the reason men don’t ask you out is because they’re intimidated by you...you are sadly mistaken. They don’t ask you out, because they think that you might actually be a dude, and that’s not the type of surprise they want the evening to end on.
Finally, if you want to stop being a meathead, stop spending one entire day dedicated to triceps and stop spending one hour on the flat bench just to do four sets. Next thing. Stop Grunting. Stop throwing weights around. Stop walking around with a pissed off look on your face. Stop taking steroids and testosterone boosters. Stop spending four days a week in the tanning beds when it’s January and you live in the north...you just look like an illegal immigrant at that point. Stop planning your week around your workouts, and start being a productive member of society..just like I am, by telling you how to better yourselves. You’re welcome........douche bags.