Chinese Tourists

Well, it’s been quite sometime since I’ve written a brief update on our traveling adventures; of course, that may actually be a good thing for the few innocent souls that read this. It’s now May 13, as of tomorrow we’ll have been in Melaka, Malaysia for a whole five months. In this time we’ve had some adventures...including the awe inspiring sights of Ankgor Wat in Cambodia. But, rather importantly I started, and finished, my graduate capstone project and will graduate in two days. (Again, thanks to my furry pal Sancho, for sitting next to me while I researched journal articles hours upon end) Funny how I somehow managed to graduate from the Univ. of Colorado (GPA 3.95, and yes I am bragging considering if we had the A+ system it would be 4.2) and never stepped foot in that state; perhaps, if they gave out Rockies tickets I might have more incentive to show up, or at least a tour of the Coors Brewing Co.

The worst part of this assignment has been the actual reason we are here. Emily is yet again working with people who have absolutely NO business being anywhere near a refinery. Why this place hasn’t exploded is beyond me, hell it basically defies all the laws of physics and brings into question some feasible, although impractical, theories in quantum mechanics. This refinery completely defies Darwin's theory; most of these people shouldn't be alive at this point. I’m just saying the refinery personnel are completely incompetent and Emily has to deal with them on a daily basis. I could write a long, detailed book chapter on the shenanigans she’s had to deal with. She’s obviously a better person than I am, because I would have called Chuck Norris in on this one, or at least contracted his beard out to do some organizational restructuring.

In order to circumvent the happenings of the past five months, I’ll get to the main point in which I wrote this update. My inspiration for this article is...”Chinese Tourists.” While I have many a good story about the Chinese this one will live on forever...seared into my brain. This vision will, when I’m battling senility in my twilight years, bring a smile and a chuckle to my face; of course, it could be that I just pissed myself and forgot who I was, but only time will tell. One of Emily’s colleagues and her husband, Vito (they’re both polish, so hold the jokes) became good friends since we’ve been here. Vito is a huge F1 racing fan, and he’s successfully gotten me into it now, seeing as how we scope out the perfect place to watch the races on Sundays, not to mention him persuading us to buy tickets to the Malaysian Grand Prix. On a side note, I developed a rash from that day at the race that took two weeks to go away...again, hold the freaking jokes. I digress, Vito found a nice, and new, go-kart track here in Melaka. This track is, by U.S. standards, pretty dang nice and the karts go pretty fast. Well, it’s easy to image that Vito became, as I put this delicately, addicted to “karting.” I’m not going to lie, it’s a hell of a lot of fun. So, he texted me today around lunch time and asked what I was doing. If you know me, this could include many things, including various illegal activities involving donkeys, fireworks, and the christmas tree I’ve kept up since we got here. But, this time I was only eating a can of tuna fish and watching Mythbusters. We agreed to hit up the track and get a few laps in. The best part about this track is slipping the kart attendee an extra $8 and he’ll double your time on the track.

Of course it takes us 30 minutes to arrive at the track, mainly because Melaka is the land of 1-way streets and you physically have to drive around your elbow, twice, to get anywhere. Unfortunately on the way to the track it started pouring down rain; just another monsoonal afternoon rain that ruined our hopes of racing. Although, upon arrival there just happened to be a tour bus outside with a bunch of dudes hanging around. Upon further inspection I realized this was a Chinese tour group..as if the $3,000 camera hanging off this guys neck didn’t give it away. (hey, you know how I am with stereotypes....they exist for a reason) Regardless, it was pouring rain but this Chinese guy was adamant about getting on a kart to just make circles so his friend could take photos. And knowing Chinese tourists, the way I so firmly believe I do, he kept pushing his limits and drove further and further away from the pit area. The two track crew tried to stop him but gave up...he took a whole lap...which means that just encourage the ENTIRE group. Once they saw him do it, they wanted in. Well, the guy came around to finish his lap..took off his shirt because he looked like he had jumped into a swimming pool. Well...go fucking figure, it’s pouring rain, the track is holding water, and you’re in a kart that is literally a couple of inches off the ground, what did this guy think was going to happen! Apparently this made him excited. (By the way, the “Door Close” button on elevators excites most Chinese people in the same manner, a story on that later.) They MADE the track crew go get two more karts..so now there are six karts. After all, Chinese tourists say and do what they want, regardless of what anyone thinks or says back. While the track crew went to go “fetch” two more karts, in the pouring rain no less, one guy standing behind vito kicked off the whole debacle I now refer to at Chinese go-karting.

I turn around and see a 5’10” Chinese guy stripped down to ONLY his BIKINI briefs and...get this...his dress shoes and black socks. WTF...so many things went through my head at this point that I almost had an aneurism. The look on my face must have been priceless; it would be the same look you’d have on your face if you ever caught your parents having sex as a child. I was beyond shocked, and it takes a LOT to shock me these days. Hell, I saw a passed out guy in the streets of Delhi with his pants around his ankles. I slapped Vito on his arm made him turn around just so he could have the same reaction as me...why not share the horror right? AND, of course, this one guy set off a wave of 4 chinese guys stripping down to their skivvies and hopping into go-karts. It’s still pissing down rain, and get this,....one guy grabs one of the race flags to try to sweep the water out of the set. “Dude, you’re IN YOUR UNDERWEAR, and getting ready to go drive around a flooded track in monsoonal rains, I don’t think that little bit of water will matter.”

So these guys are going at half speed around the track, spinning out, wrecking, and creating complete havoc. The poor track crew have to run after them in the rain because on the very far end of the track (a very big track) one of the guys goes off the track and gets stuck in the mud. Of course, they’re coming by the straight away while all the other chinese tour group is videoing and snapping pictures of these fucktards screwing up the karts. One of them actually messed up one of the karts so that it wouldn’t start back up after he went through a deep puddle of water. So...all I have to say is WOW...I was disappointed that it rained and we didn’t get to race, but damn was I ever entertained.

After all that Vito and I decided to come back tomorrow and we’ll get some “racin” done. Perhaps, there may be some other guys there to race with as there was a week ago, but more importantly, I hope these Chinese tourists and their ever nagging desire to do what they want, didn’t screw up the go-karts for everyone else. I have to say that Chinese tourists may surpass the French and Germans as the worst tourists ever, but I think in many people’s eyes...they may already be there, especially if you ride on an elevator with them.

Disclaimer: If this post offended any Chinese person that I know personally I do sincerely apologize; however, If I do not know you...too bad.